Past nights ...

I realized that the virtual S… community is a real community of lesbians which brings me a lot !

Last recent nights, I was so anxious in getting older, being so close to life, nature and in the same time to death, to all incidents in life, I was so aware of my lack of sex and love, wanting to find the same I experienced with my pet (not sex of course !), a dog, dying at seventeen, "who " loved me and died with so much love in its eyes, and from who I can still feel the presence, as so real, in my dreams, droping a bridge between us and between life and death.
I felt intensely the waste of my life and the loneliness, insufferable, this feeling of imminent death, and that maybe I would get a serious illness soon, life can be so short…

Was it mental disorder, depression ?
Or not ?

Only occupied these last weeks to escape my actual life, praying each night to know the way of happiness and achievement in my life, as if tomorrow should be the last day for me.
Instead of searching a job, and a fellowships to finish my studies, no, I was only doing nothing except having rest and joining S…virtual community, creating my blog and speak every day with a lot of lesbians via internet.

Knowing the dryness of my heart toward my male friends (Sunday, I remember the only thing I thought was : Zinou (a male friend) took my last vegetables pie … when he visited me to know what to do about the homeless I  "helped" Thursday, and as he asked about my blog, I told him only the name of the blog's server, but not the exact address. Hoping he won't never watch at my intimacy or what I consider to be so. Even if it is on internet ! Visible by everybody…

This night, I couldn't sleep, thought of desire towards this Swiss who answered me via my post on ELSM, who has a ugly life made of compromises to make money and was at the beginning very cold with me. We did fight by intercalated mails as in a boxing match, I wanted to slap her and finally she offered to me, saying all the most important about her sincerely, tending me the hand (I was stunned, and today I realize I desire her more and more and don't know what to do with this…)
I thought to my desires that I really should better understand, and as my lesbian friend from South-Africa from S… said me : learn how to allow time to make you desire, don't offer you immediately, know if you prefer a strong woman who will care from you or if you prefer having the priviledge of being so little thing with a suffering woman who would allow you to stay with her, and know it exits maybe other ways …
She said me I had the broken wings syndrome…

 I thought to my mother saying : when do you come ? Do you need money ? When your sister will enter her big flat (she actually lives in her sailboat with her three children), I will move from the port for a new bigger flat near your sister's one, and try to get one with two bedrooms, so I could welcome you all the time.

These paroles came from a person who makes me suffer a lot, and I am like a nude scald cat, and maybe I can meow gently after all this time and maybe it is that which changes my parents from abusers to normal parents, but I am still distrustful.

And endly I thought to this nice stories of Sussuration (sex : dance with me and under me), she is a great lesbian writer, famous or not, and I bought her books if they were some, I should say to her…

I should print the stories too, because if I had them now, sure that I would have sex without any need to think to a particular woman, to wait for her, to wait for love, or to occupy my spirit thinking of what could happen, a marvelous love story where I would be endly loved, caressed, and so, and so…

Now, you know what, I had not the story : dance with me, with me.

But I opened the lights, the radio, and remembered when I danced all the night in my 17 or 18, wanting any women to watch me …

Later it was one of my best wishes, maybe talk of fantasy, that one of my lovers could dance with me (few did, except the last one, because I met her at a party and asked, this one kept me three fold in our lives and slaped me very quickly three fold…Yes, I am maybe maso).

Now I don't care of how others look at me or find me something or its contrary, and not attractive.

I looked at me in the mirror, yes I am 39, yes I am cute, and I dance for me !

Great night !

First step of endless recovery !

Tomorrow, or in the future, it will be time enough to care better from my body, and only because I need to love me as nobody else will ...

Comments

[lizzz taylorr]

dear Spoutnik from the space!

Just jumping in your planet and having fun by reading your terrible blog!
leaving the only one comment taht comes first to my mind: "you're fucking right! love yourself first as anybody else will" and maybe just stop getting depresssed and asking many many crappy existential questions.... you will turn crazy silly .

Look straight up with self confidence and positiveness. Treat yourself with kindness.

Good luck

Kiss


Lizz